Lord of the Rings Parody
by Faramir Lover 93
Summary: This is just a random story I wrote. Please review!
1. Chapter 1

It was a normal day in the Shire. Hobbits picked their nose, scratched their butts, and practiced farting in harmony. They did this while extremely drunk _and_ high, which was the Hobbits' specialty.

Young Frodo was reading Twilight. He identified with Bella; he had dark brown hair, was awkward and clumsy, and all the boys fell for him.

He looked up when he heard somebody singing "It's Raining Men". He ran to the road and saw an old man in a cart.

"Gandalf!" Frodo said. "I love that song!"

Gandalf laughed creepily and Frodo joined in with his high-pitched giggle.

"Young Dodo Baggins," Gandalf said.

Gandalf had called Frodo that for as long as he could remember. But Frodo was always too scared to correct him.

Gandalf drove away to Bag End and Frodo went back to reading Twilight. Gandalf walked up to the front door and rang the doorbell. A melody that sounded suspiciously like "The Bilbo Baggins Song" played.

"I don't want to see anyone unless they're bringing bad news!" Bilbo shouted from inside.

"What about a very very very very old friend?" Gandalf asked.

Bilbo opened the door. "Gandalf."

They hugged and walked to the party together. Frodo was dancing the Puppet Master and small children were crying as they watched him.

After the Hobbits had gotten _very _drunk and _very _high Bilbo got up to make a speech. Most of it was impossible to understand, as he was slurring his words so much. But at the end, he vanished.

"Bilbo!" Frodo dramatically shouted, and fainted.

At Bag End, Bilbo snuck into his house.

"Bilbo," Gandalf said. "What a dramatic exit."

Bilbo looked pleased. "It was pretty good, wasn't it? But I'm going away now. I'm leaving everything to Frodo, including these sacky, baggy underwear."

"The Ring must stay as well," Gandalf said.

"I'll just put it in this pond of piranhas," Bilbo said.

"Bilbo," Gandalf chastised him.

"What about in this mousetrap?" Bilbo asked.

Gandalf raised one eyebrow.

Bilbo sighed. "Fine. I'll leave it in this _sealed_ envelope."

Gandalf rolled his eyes. "Fine."

Bilbo walked down the road, singing "The Bilbo Baggins Song".

"The cutest little Hobbit of them all," Gandalf sang along, wiping a tear from his eye.

Frodo ran into Bag End. "Sam had to give me mouth to mouth and Merry and Pippin had to pour a bucket of water over me before I woke up. Where is Bilbo?"

"He is gone," Gandalf said sadly. "He left you that sealed envelope and some underwear. I'm going now."

And Gandalf ran outside.

Frodo pouted. "How dare Bilbo leave! We were in the middle of a game of chess. Now I'll never know who wins!"


	2. Chapter 2

A few months later, Frodo stumbled, drunk and high, into his house. Gandalf, who had been hiding around a corner, leaped out at him.

"Dodo!" Gandalf yelled.

Frodo screamed like a girl and fainted. When he woke, Gandalf was standing over him.

"Where is the envelope?" Gandalf asked.

Frodo grabbed it from a table. Gandalf threw it into the fire. The envelope burned, revealing the Ring. Writing appeared on it.

"This is an evil Ring," Gandalf said. "You must take it away from the Shire."

They heard a rustling from the bushes under the window. Gandalf reached down and pulled a Hobbit from the bushes.

"Have you been eavesdropping?" Gandalf asked angrily.

"It's okay, Gandalf," Frodo said. "That's Samwise, my stalker."

"I heard Frodo scream and I had to see if he was okay," Sam said.

"Well since you are so keen to keep an eye on Frodo, you can go with him," Gandalf said.

"I'll look after you, Mr. Frodo," Sam said.

"Oh, Sam," Frodo swooned.

"I will meet you at the Prancing Pony," Gandalf said. "But now I'm going to see Saruman. He is both wise and sexy."

Gandalf rode away, and Frodo and Sam started walking. When Gandalf arrived in Isengard, he found Saruman waiting for him.

"You got a manicure!" Gandalf said, looking at Saruman's long fingernails.

Saruman smiled. "You noticed! And I've joined Sauron. You should too."

"No way," Gandalf said. "Elrond is hotter than Sauron."

"Then you will have to be my prisoner," Sauron said.

"That's not nice," Gandalf protested.


	3. Chapter 3

Meanwhile, Frodo and Sam had been tackled by Merry and Pippin who had agreed to accompany them to the Prancing Pony.

"Shrooms!" Pippin yelled.

All of the Hobbits ran to eat some shrooms, and get high. An eerie screeching suddenly filled the air.

"Whoa, those were some messed up shrooms," Merry said.

"We should hide," Frodo said.

The Hobbits hid under a log. They heard a horse above them. Whether it was from the shrooms or the actual horse the Hobbits didn't know, but it left them with a creeped-out feeling. As soon as it left, they ran down the hill. Actually, it was more like they fell down the hill because they were so high.

They could hear more freaky riders chasing them. They ran to a ferry and jumped on it. They rider behind them screeched angrily as they floated away.

"Can't get us, loser," Merry said, mooning it.

They floated to the next dock, and then ran to the Prancing Pony. It was full of huge, frightening Men whose specialty was getting drunk.

"That Man's been staring at you, Mr. Frodo," Sam said.

"Is he cute?" Frodo asked.

"He's big and scary," Sam said.

"So tall, dark, and handsome?" Frodo asked. "I'm going to meet him."

Frodo got up, but when he saw the Man who was staring at him (who was indeed big and scary) he shrieked and fell. The Ring flew in the air and fell on his finger, turning him invisible. He struggled to pull it off as a huge evil Eye laughed at him.

"Go away!" Frodo said. "Eyes can't laugh! They have no mouth!"

The Eye stopped laughing and looked confused. Then Frodo pulled the Ring off his finger and turned visible. The big, scary Man grabbed Frodo and shoved him up to his room.

"Are you frightened?" the Man asked.

Frodo dramatically swooned and fainted. Just then Merry, Pippin, and Sam burst into the room.

"Let him go!" Sam shouted. "Or I'll buy everyone in the bar a whole round of ales in your name!"

The Man held up his hands and tried to conceal his look of panic. "Just calm down. I was just talking to Frodo about jewelry and fashion."

Sam looked dubiously at the Man's hobo-like clothes. "What would you know about fashion?"

"Apparently so little that Frodo fainted," Pippin snorted.

Frodo suddenly woke up, blinking his big blue eyes.

"Mr. Frodo!" Sam said, running to his side. "It's all right. I'm here."

"Oh, Sam," Frodo said.

"I'm Strider," the Man said. "Those were Nazgul chasing you. They want the Ring."

"Don't worry," Frodo said. "I'm used to guys chasing me."

Sam smiled at him, and Frodo winked.


	4. Chapter 4

The next morning, the Hobbits followed Strider.

"Where are we going?" Sam asked.

"To Rivendell," Strider said. "My girlfriend lives there. She's an Elf, and she's really hot."

Merry and Pippin looked at him enviously. Frodo and Sam just looked at each other and smiled.

That night, they camped at Weathertop.

"Wait here, I need to take a leak," Strider said, before disappearing into the bushes.

Frodo entertained them by doing the Puppet Master while they waited. Merry and Pippin finally couldn't stand anymore. They lit a signal fire.

"Come and get him, Nazgul!" Merry shouted.

"Put it out you fools!" Frodo yelled.

"Right away, Mr. Frodo," Sam said, sitting on the fire.

But by then they could hear and see the Nazgul coming up the hill. They backed together and drew their swords. The Nazgul came closer and closer. Sam stood in front of Frodo, but they pushed him aside.

"He's all yours," Merry said, pulling Pippin out of the way.

Frodo fainted and dropped his sword. The Nazgul stabbed him, making him scream like a girl. Then the Nazgul reached for the Ring. But before it could grab the Ring, Strider ran forward and lit it on fire. He lit all of the Nazgul on fire, and they ran away, shrieking in pain.

"We must get Frodo to Rivendell," Strider said.

He picked up Frodo and the Hobbits followed him. Strider set down Frodo to look for a type of plant to help him. He felt a blade against his throat.

"A Ranger, caught off his guard?" a voice asked.

"Arwen," Strider said, turning around. "May I say you look particularly hot today?"

When the Hobbits saw Strider emerge from the woods, he was holding hands with a smoking hot brunette Elf.

"This is Arwen," Strider said. "She's my girlfriend, and she's going to take Frodo to Rivendell."

Arwen took Frodo and climbed up on her horse. Then she spurred him forward. It was proof of Frodo's homosexuality that he never woke up the whole time he was being carried next to Arwen's large boobs.

Arwen avoided the Nazgul and took Frodo to her father, Elrond. By the time Frodo recovered, Strider, Merry, Pippin, and Sam were there. They all hugged him, and Elrond called a meeting.

"Young Dodo has come a long ways," Gandalf said.

"Yes he has," Elrond agreed. "But we need to figure out what to do with the Ring now."

"I think we should bring it to Gondor," Boromir said.

"Well I think we should bring it to Mordor, and since this is the Council of _Elrond_, not Boromir, whatever I say goes," Elrond said.

"Then why did you ask?" Boromir asked sulkily.

"Silence!" Elrond said, his eyebrows dangerously creeping toward his hairline.

"This journey will be dangerous, and most likely fatal," Gandalf said. "And if you live you will be changed forever."

"So who will take the Ring?" Elrond asked.

"Present!" Frodo shouted, as he had been daydreaming about Edward and Jacob fighting over him.

"Then Dodo shall take the Ring to Mordor," Elrond said.

"I'll go with Dodo," Gandalf said.

"I'll go too," Aragorn said.

"And I will," Legolas said.

"Me too," Gimli said.

"I'll go too," Sam said.

"And we'll go," Merry and Pippin said.

"I'll go as well," Boromir said.


	5. Chapter 5

They left Rivendell and started walking. They headed toward Caradhras, a mountain pass. When they reached the pass, a violent wind started blowing.

"There is a foul breath on the wind," Gandalf said. "It must be Saruman! I told him he needed to stop eating that garlic pasta!"

Legolas daintily pinched his nose. "It's unbearable, Gandalf."

The Hobbits were lying on their sides, struggling to breathe.

"The Hobbits won't last much longer," Boromir said.

"Let's go to Moria," Gimli suggested. "The smell will be pleasanter there."

"If it smells anything like you, Gimli, I don't think that's true," Legolas said primly.

"Dodo will decide," Gandalf said.

Dodo now could barely speak.

"Moria," he squeaked.

Gandalf nodded and they all walked down the pass. They heaved a huge sigh of relief when they came into clean air again. Then they went to the entrance of Moria.

"How do you get in?" Pippin asked.

"You simply must say the password," Gandalf said. "It says 'Speak, fruit, and enter."

"How do fruits speak?" Pippin asked.

Gandalf dramatically raised his staff. "I am a fruit."

Nothing happened.

"Apple," Aragorn said.

"Banana," Frodo said.

"Orange," Sam said.

"Grape," Gimli said.

"Pear," Legolas said.

"Peach," Boromir said.

"Cherry," Merry said.

"Lemon," Pippin said.

A tentacle shot out of the water and grabbed Frodo's ankle. He screamed and fainted.

"Mr. Frodo!" Sam shouted and ran after him.

"Fruit!" the monster moaned.

"Watermelon," Gandalf said.

The door opened.

"I got it to open!" Gandalf said gleefully.

The others, who were all slashing and hacking at the monster didn't look up. Finally, the monster dropped Frodo.

"I got him," Boromir yelled, but missed and Frodo fell to the ground.

"That's going to hurt tomorrow," Boromir said as he scooped Frodo up and followed the others into Moria.


	6. Chapter 6

The door slammed shut, and the Fellowship was left in darkness. Gandalf's staff lit up, and they all gathered around him.

"Pineapple!" Frodo yelled as he came to.

Boromir jumped and dropped him.

"Mr. Frodo!" Sam yelled, and knelt down beside him.

"I fell in something crunchy," Frodo said cheerfully.

Gandalf pointed his light at the ground, and they all looked down. There were skeletons all over the floor.

"No!" Gimli yelled. "There's my uncle's femur! And my grandfather's ribs! And my aunt's beard!"

"We must keep going," Gandalf said. "After all, _Dodo_ decided to come this way."

Sam helped Frodo up, but someone's foot shot out and he fell again.

"Thanks a lot, Dodo," Legolas said.

"Yeah, Dodo," Boromir added.

The Fellowship continued through the mines, following Gandalf.

"How do you know where to go?" Pippin asked Gandalf.

"I use my nose," Gandalf said. "And I go where the air doesn't smell as foul."

Pippin decided not to mention that he had been rather gaseous ever since he ate those bad mushrooms outside of Moria and dropped to the back of the group.

Frodo noticed some kind of creature was following them.

"Gandalf," Frodo said. "What is that?"

"That is Gollum," Gandalf said. "He is stalking you."

"Oh," Frodo said, fluttering his hand. "I'm flattered."

Sam turned around to glare at Gollum. "Mr. Frodo already has one stalker, and he doesn't need another."

Gollum muttered to himself but kept following them.

"Oh no!" Gimli yelled, running into a room.

There was a coffin in there.

While everyone looked at the coffin, Pippin went over to a well. He looked down, but couldn't see the bottom. He wanted to know how far down it was. He saw Frodo was standing near the edge, but knew Gandalf would be angry with him if he threw Frodo down the well. Instead, he threw down a chain, thinking of how proud Gandalf would be of him.

"Took of a Fook!" Gandalf yelled angrily. "Now you've alerted everything here to our presence!"

Pippin looked down sadly. The Fellowship heard the boom, boom of drums.

"Run!" Gandalf yelled.

They ran toward the bridge, going through a great hall. Suddenly, the goblins came down the pillars and surrounded them. Suddenly, Legolas let out a shriek.

"Legolas, what do your Elf eyes see?" Aragorn asked.

"A rat!" Legolas squealed.

The goblins screeched and climbed back up the pillars. The Fellowship could see it now, a brown rat the size of a Hobbit's hand coming toward them.

"Run!" Gandalf said.

The Fellowship ran as fast as they could away from the rat. They shoved one another to be the first to get to the bridge. Finally, all of the Fellowship had made it across except Boromir and Gandalf. Boromir shoved Gandalf, who tripped over his cumbersome robes. He slipped off the edge of the bridge, clinging on with his hands. Aragorn ran to help him, but the rat was making its way across the bridge. Aragorn backed away.

"Fly, you fools," Gandalf said, before falling into the abyss.

"GANDALF!" Frodo shouted, deafening all within hearing range (including the rat, which died on the spot). "We can't fly! You never taught us how!"

"We must get out of this place," Aragorn said.

The Fellowship walked out of Moria into the light of day.


	7. Chapter 7

The Fellowship looked at each other in embarrassment. A mouse had chased them out of Moria and led to Gandalf's death.

"We can't tell everyone what really happened," Aragorn said.

"They'll think we're cowards," Boromir said.

"What's something else in Moria that's scary?" Aragorn asked.

"There's the Balrog," Gimli said. "It's a fire demon with horns. It's just a legend, though."

"Well we can say we saw it," Aragorn said. "That'll work."

"Yeah, because there can't be a three books and three movies about a Fellowship that were too scared to face a mouse," Legolas scoffed.

"Where is Frodo?" Aragorn asked, looking around.

"He's over there," Legolas pointed.

"Frodo!" Aragorn called. "You're going the wrong way!"

Frodo looked back and started walking toward the group again.

"Fool of a Baggins," Aragorn muttered. "Sometimes I wonder why I volunteered for this."

From there, the Fellowship made their way to Lothlorien.

"Be careful," Gimli warned the Hobbits. "They say an Elf witch lives here. She can turn green. But I'm not worried. I've got the eyes of a fox and the ears of a hawk."

Suddenly, they were surrounded by Elves. Haldir nanced out of the woods.

"The Dwarf smells so bad I could have shot him in the dark," Haldir sneered.

"Well at least I live," Gimli said in Dwarvish.

Boromir and Haldir glared at him.

"I am taking you to Lady Galadriel," Haldir said.

The Fellowship followed Haldir to the Lady, watching with eyebrows raised as he nanced the whole way.

"You bring great evil here," Galadriel said, staring at Frodo creepily.

"Is she into me?" Frodo whispered to Sam.

"She'd better not be," Sam huffed. "She should know you're strictly gay, Mr. Frodo."

The Fellowship stayed for the night in Lothlorien. Sam started reciting some very long poetry about Gandalf, which made everyone fall asleep. Frodo snuck out when Sam wasn't looking and saw Galadriel. He followed her to a birdbath.

"This is my birdbath," Galadriel said. "You can look into it and see the truth."

Frodo looked into the birdbath. He saw himself hugging Sam and smiling.

"You are gay," Frodo read.

The picture changed and showed Frodo's face.

"Your haircut is totally second age," Frodo read.

Frodo pouted and crossed his arms. "It's very cute."

"You needed to see the truth. Now let me cut it," Galadriel said.

"No," Frodo said.

Galadriel started to turn green and glow. "YOU MUST LET ME CUT IT! IT IS HORRIBLE! ALL SHALL SEE IT AND DESPAIR!"

Frodo screamed and ran away.

The next morning, the Fellowship lined up in front of Galadriel to get their gifts.

"I am happy to give you all cloaks made right here in **Lothlorien**. They can help you hide from anyone, and they are so stylish," Galadriel said. "For Merry, Pippin, and Frodo, here are some beautiful **Lothlorien **daggers, perfectly sized for such small creatures, and with beautiful craftsmanship. For Sam, here is some rope, hand weaved right here in **Lothlorien. **For Legolas, here is a **Lothlorien **bow and arrows, made to hit any target."

All of the items had the **Lothlorien **logo on them. Celeborn handed them out with a big smile on his face, saying, "Tell your friends. Now only 5 silver pieces."

"I didn't get anything," Gimli protested.

"Neither did I," Aragorn said.

"I didn't either," Boromir said.

"Gimli, your hair and beard are…disgusting," Galadriel said. "Boromir, your outfit is so tacky I cry when I see it. Aragorn, when was the last time you washed your hair?"

Aragorn looked uncomfortable. "I prefer not to answer that question."

Galadriel's skin was starting to take a green tint.

"Let's go load the boats," Aragorn said, hurrying away.

The Fellowship quickly loaded the boats and sailed away down the river. Galadriel attempted to dump a pail of water on Aragorn when he sailed past her boat, but she missed and he sailed away, glad that at least for the moment his hair was safe. He knew that ladies liked the rugged, unwashed look. And he would keep his hair like this for the rest of his life.


	8. Chapter 8

The Fellowship rowed their boats down the river.

"What is that?" Pippin asked when they saw a giant foot.

"That's a Hobbit squisher," Boromir answered. "If any unworthy Hobbit goes past it, it squishes them."

Pippin gulped and shrank down in the boat.

"Well I'm worthy," Frodo said.

"You are, Mr. Frodo," Sam said.

After a while, they pulled their boats onto the bank. Frodo, as usual doing something stupid, wandered off by himself, looking at all the giant statues. Boromir, of course just randomly, went to get firewood. When he saw Frodo, he walked up to him.

Meanwhile, back at the boats, Sam finally realized that Frodo was missing.

"Where's Mr. Frodo?" he yelled, looking under rocks in a panic.

"And where's Boromir?" Aragorn asked. "Legolas, come with me."

Aragorn led Legolas to where Boromir was talking to Frodo.

"There are Boromir and Frodo," Legolas said.

Aragorn rolled his eyes. "I know that."

As Aragorn and Legolas watched, Boromir asked Frodo for the Ring and got angry.

"We need to kill one of them," Aragorn said.

Legolas drew his bow. "They're both so annoying. How can we choose?"

"Well, Frodo has the Ring," Aragorn said.

"Then I'll shoot Boromir," Legolas said.

Frodo disappeared, and Boromir angrily threw himself down on the round and cried.

"What a drama queen," Legolas muttered, before letting loose an arrow.

Boromir didn't move.

"Nice shot," Aragorn said. "But how are we going to explain that we killed him?"

Legolas looked puzzled. Just then, an orc horn blew. Aragorn and Legolas saw a whole army of orcs coming toward them.

"Orcs are coming!" Legolas shouted.

"That's a convenient excuse," Aragorn said.

He pulled out his sword and raced toward the army of orcs. Legolas followed with his bow.

Merry and Pippin were hiding behind a tree as the orcs raced down. Then, they saw Frodo hide behind a tree next to them.

"This is a good hiding spot, isn't it Frodo?" Pippin yelled.

The orcs that were near heard him and ran toward them.

"I have a plan," Frodo said. "You two distract them while I run."

Merry and Pippin nodded.

"That sounds like a good plan," Pippin said.

The two Hobbits ran out from behind the tree, yelling at the orcs and waving their hands. Frodo ran toward the river. Merry and Pippin had tiny Hobbit legs, and they couldn't outrun the orcs for long.

"What's the plan now, Frodo?" Pippin asked, looking around. "Frodo? Frodo?"

"He left us, Pip," Merry said.

Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli saw the orcs taking Merry and Pippin away.

"They're taking the Hobbits to—wait, I'm not supposed to say that yet," Legolas said.

"Frodo is more important than those two," Aragorn said. "We need to find him."

Meanwhile, back at the boats, Sam was still looking under every rock near the river for Frodo. Everyone else had already left.

"Mr. Frodo, Mr. Frodo," Sam sobbed. "I will search under every one of these rocks until I find you."

Then, Sam noticed a boat moving by itself into the water.

"That's odd," Sam said to himself.

Then he remembered that somebody he knew could turn invisible. But who was it?

"Mr. Frodo!" he cried, suddenly remembering. "Wait for me!"

Frodo turned visible in the boat. "I'm going on my own, Sam."

"No you're not, Mr. Frodo," Sam said, jumping into the water. "I will stalk you the whole way if you don't let me come."

Frodo smiled. "That's true. I forgot how good your stalker skills are."

Sam floundered in the water and started to sink.

"Sam, you can't swim!" Frodo said.

"Don't you lie, Mr. Frodo," Sam said, sinking more. "I can too blublublub."

"Sam!" Frodo cried.

He reached over the side and pulled Sam up. Though how he did it is unknown, since he was a fragile weakling and Sam was as fat as a Hobbit could be.

"Now row us to the other side, Sam," Frodo said, leaning back.

Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli came running up to the river just as Frodo and Sam reached the opposite shore.

"The Hobbits are leaving," Legolas pointed out.

"They're eloping," Aragorn said. "They must want to be alone."

"They were a good couple," Gimli said.

"So what do we do now?" Legolas asked.

"Let's find Merry and Pippin," Aragorn said. "It's the only thing we can do that still involves heroic deeds. We don't want to crash Frodo and Sam's honeymoon."

Legolas covered his eyes with his hands and Gimli gagged.

"Let's hunt some orcs!" Aragorn said, in a fake Western accent. "Yeeeehaaaw!"


End file.
